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Quotable Insults and Comebacks


Related Quotes      Compliments      Manners      Kindness      Humorous


A slander is like a hornet; if you can't kill it dead the first time, better not strike at it.  ~Henry Wheeler Shaw


The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.  ~Russell Lynes


I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.  ~Groucho Marx


Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence.  A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.  She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."  "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.  ~Author Unknown


Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.  ~Mark Twain


Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.  ~Oscar Wilde


She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."  ~P.G. Wodehouse


Nancy Astor:  "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill:  "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."


I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.  ~Steven Pearl


Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain.  So far you are correct.  But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty.  If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present.  Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.  ~Mark Twain


Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.  ~Author Unknown


Her face was her chaperone.  ~Rupert Hughes


I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town.  ~Abe Lemons


She looks as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.  ~Jonathan Swift, Polite Conversation


It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead.  ~Rose Macaulay


Dustin Farnum:  "I've never been better!  In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."
Oliver Herford:  "How clever of you to think of it."


O, she is the antidote to desire.  ~William Congreve, Love for Love, 1695


I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.  ~English professor, Ohio University


She has the answer to everything and the solution to nothing.  ~Oscar Levant


You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.  ~Edward Flaherty


I wouldn't be surprised if one day Carl's halo slipped and choked him.  ~Allan Wells, referring to Carl Lewis, 1989


The scratches in Yoko Ono records are moments of relief. ~S.A. Sachs


I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.  ~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical


I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.  ~Charles Baudelaire


The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.  ~David Gerrold



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Last modified 2014 Apr 05 Sat 11:23 PDT


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