Funny Mustache Quotes

Moustaches resemble a problem of geometry worked on the cheek with a piece of charcoal… ~Richard Doe, “Human Nature in Chunks: Modern Clerks,” 1855

If you’re ever in a jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache. ~”Phil’s-osophy” by Phil Dunphy [Modern Family, “Schooled,” S4, E2, 2012, written by Steven Levitan & Dan O’Shannon]

Double cappuccino, half-caff, nonfat milk, with just enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing but not so much that it leaves a moustache. ~Frasier, “A Mid-Winter Night’s Dream” [S1, E17, 1994, Niles], written by Chuck Ranberg & Anne Flett-Giordano

Well, and so you’ve joined “the movement,”
      And have laid out lots of cash
      In Macassar oil and bear’s grease
      Coaching up your pet moustache.
You look just as though your eyebrows
      From above had had a slip,
      And in falling down had settled
      Snugly on your upper lip.
Let me warn you—with the ladies
      You’ll be in a pretty pickle;
      For you can have no idea
      How those horrid things do tickle
~A Master of Hearts, “To a Youth with a Moustache,” New and Original Valentines, Serious & Satirical, Sublime & Ridiculous, On All the Ordinary Names, Professions, Trades, Etc., 1857

Bandy-legged Borochio Mustachio Whiskerfuscius, the bald but brave Bombardino of Bagdad… ~“Try These on Thick Tongues,” Queries, 1889

I’m one of those people, who when I draw birds I just draw flying mustaches. ~Author unknown

I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later. ~Internet meme, c.2012

Yes, indeed, my Whiskerandos,
      I declare it makes me laugh—
      You seem wedded to your whiskers,
      For they’re quite your better half.
Were you lost, I’d advertise you
      (And just think how folks would stare)
      As a fragment of humanity
      Between two lumps of hair!…
~A Master of Hearts, “To an Individual with Whiskers,” New and Original Valentines, Serious & Satirical, Sublime & Ridiculous, On All the Ordinary Names, Professions, Trades, Etc., 1857

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It’s like having a little pet for your face. ~Anita Wise, unverified [Or according to Old Hippy Paul, it’s more like having a hobby on your upper lip. –tg]

My facial hair is imperative. I put the must in mustache. ~Jarod Kintz, Whenever You’re Gone, I’m Here For You, 2012

Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody because, it’s really, it’s an interesting mustache, and now nobody can wear it. ~Curb Your Enthusiasm, “Larry vs. Michael J. Fox” [S8, E10, 2011, Larry], writing credits David, Berg, Mandel, & Schaffer

So when people see mustaches now, they think hipster, not Hitler. And that, people, is the power of creative rebranding. ~black‑ish, “Crazy Mom” [S1, E4, 2014], written by Gail Lerner, Njeri Brown, & Devanshi Patel

Weep for the fate of Serjeant Thin,
A man of a desperate courage was he,
More he rejoiced in the battle’s din,
Than in all the mess-room revelry;
But he died at last of no ugly gash,—
He choked on a hair of his own mustache!
~”The Fate of Serjeant Thin” (A new original Ballad, founded on Fact. Edin Lit Jour.), published in The Olio; or, Museum of Entertainment, 1831

Even the swallowing the moustache by Whiskerandos, which has so often been denounced as “too broad” was taken from an accident which really happened on the first night of Leigh Hunt’s play of A Legend of Florence to a Mr. Moore, who played the principal character in it, and who was obliged to leave the stage for some minutes, being totally unable to proceed with his part. ~J. Brander Matthews, “Sheridan’s ‘Critic,'” in Tinsleys’ Magazine, November 1872

It would be trifling to dwell on the comical expression of a man’s face when one whisker was taken off clean, and the other was left standing… ~Cassio, “Memoir of a Pair of Whiskers,” in The Parterre of Fiction, Poetry, History, Literature, and the Fine Arts, Vol. I, 1834

Humorous Mustache Quotations
Original post date: 2013 Oct 2
1st major revision: 2018 Oct 15