Funny Santa Claus Quotes

More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good. ~Linda Sunshine, “You’re Only Jung Once,” Mom Loves Me Best (And Other Lies You Told Your Sister), 1990

Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people once a year! ~Victor Borge, c.1958

Santa knows Physics: Of all colors, Red Light penetrates fog best. That’s why Benny the Blue-nosed reindeer never got the gig. ~Neil deGrasse Tyson, 2014 tweet

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want — and their kids pay for it. ~Richard Lamm, c.1986

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. ~Dick Gregory, c.1961

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. ~Dennis Miller

Two modern little girls, on their way home from Sunday-school, were solemnly discussing the lesson. “Do you believe there is a devil?” asked one. “No,” said the other promptly. “It’s like Santa Claus: it’s your father.” ~Nebelspalter (Zürich), quoted in The Literary Digest, 1930

The three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. ~Jim Guthrie, c.1975