Funny Quotes about Typewriters

[T]he children… what they are in the world for I don’t know, for they are of no practical value as far as I can see. If I could beget a typewriter — but no, our fertile days are over. ~Mark Twain, letter to William Dean Howells, 1899 May 12th

The biggest obstacle to professional writing today is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon. Any school that can teach me how to do this can triple my earning capacity overnight (making it three dollars). Anybody can write, but it takes a man with snake-charmer’s blood to change a ribbon. ~Robert Benchley (1889–1945) [Ditto for the modern-day printer toner cartridge! –tg]

Sometimes when I look at a thing I’ve written I get the feeling that I must have gone out of the room and left the typewriter running. ~Gene Fowler (1890–1960), to Cecil Smith of Los Angeles Times

A catless writer is almost inconceivable; even Ernest Hemingway, manly follower of the hunting trophy and the bullfight, lived waist-deep in cats. It’s a perverse taste, really, since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys. ~Barbara Holland (1933–2010), The Name of the Cat, 1988

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true. ~Robert Wilensky, 1996

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of William Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon. ~Bill Hoest (1926–1988)

I heard that if you locked William Shakespeare in a room with a typewriter for long enough he’d eventually write all the songs by the Monkees. ~Author Unknown

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? ~Woody Allen

Here’s to the Typewriter!
Health to her type!
Whether blond or brunette
Or budding or ripe.
If she be the right type
Be she buxom or slight,
When she doesn’t type wrong
She is sure to typewrite.
~Oliver Herford, “To The Typewriter,” Happy Days, illustrated by John Cecil Clay, 1917

I will now claim — until dispossessed — that I was the first person in the world to apply the typewriter to literature. The early machine was full of caprices, full of defects — devilish ones. It had as many immoralities as the machine of to‑day has virtues. After a year or two I found that it was degrading my character, so I thought I would give it to Howells…. He took it home to Boston, and my morals began to improve, but his have never recovered. ~Mark Twain, “The First Writing Machines”

The typewriter is so much more to be reckoned with than the sword. ~Lee Thayer, Persons Unknown, 1941

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster. ~Isaac Asimov

An old racetrack joke reminds you that your program contains all the winners’ names. I stare at my typewriter keys with the same thought. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960