Funny Unicorn Quotes

Welcome to my page of funny quotations about unicorns, unicorn jokes, one-liners, memes, etc. —tg

“It’s not a unicorn — it’s a horse with a sword on its head that protects my hopes and dreams.” ~Tad Quill & Gabrielle Allan, “My Unicorn,” Scrubs, S4, E11, 2004, Dr. Dorian

“I can only eat glitter and rainbows. Darn my sensitive stomach!” ~Bob Shea, Unicorn Thinks He’s Pretty Great, 2013

Never pretend
to be a unicorn
by sticking a plunger on your head
~Martín Espada, “Advice to Young Poets,” The Republic of Poetry, 2006

      “That doesn’t mean I pretend to be someone else. I don’t know how to be something I’m not, okay? I don’t know what you learned in that fantasy world of yours growing up, but I was told to just be myself.”
      “Unless you can be a unicorn,” Dee says. “In that case, you should always be a unicorn.”
      ~Elle Lothlorien, Alice in Wonderland, 2012  [Conversation of Alice Faye Dahl and her sister. And of course, the more famous post-publication paraphrase: “Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.” –tg]

“Being a person is getting too complicated. Time to be a unicorn.” ~Internet meme, c.2013

I just saw Twilight.
      It’s labeled a vampire film,
      but I don’t know why.
Those were not vampires.
      If sunlight makes you sparkle,
      you’re a unicorn.
~Ryan Mecum, Vampire Haiku, 2009

“Don’t you love it that Prince doesn’t use Twitter? Don’t you think he’s somewhere on a unicorn?” ~Bruno Mars, quoted by Mikael Wood, Los Angeles Times, 2012

“When someone told me that I live in a fantasyland, I nearly fell off my unicorn.” ~Internet meme, c.2010  #infj

“Women don’t fart — it’s just glittery puffs of unicorn giggles.” ~Internet meme

“She didn’t know what a goji berry was, but it sounded like something Amazonian tribesmen might eat when they wanted to talk to their ancestors and embark on an inner voyage into some sort of unicorn-infested netherworld.” ~Lola Salt (pseudonym of Sarah Alderson & Becky Wicks), The Extraordinary Life of Lara Craft (Not Croft), 2013

“Hey, I like unicorns. Unicorns are just weaponized ponies.” ~Damon Suede, Bad Idea, 2013

“Unicorns are just horny ponies.” ~Internet meme

“From a proud unicorn stallion vomiting rainbows as he soars across the sky to toy unicorns pooping rainbows as colored jellybeans, modern culture puts its own twist on potty humor by making it light and fluffy. Don’t get stuck asking yourself why unicorns fart rainbows — it’s the juxtaposition of a magical creature and a disgusting everyday act that creates the joke.”

“Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.” ~Sage advice

“No one can vouch for the origins of the medieval proverb, ‘No true virgin plays leapfrog with a unicorn in the forest on a spring night.’” ~Muriel Segal, Virgins Reluctant, Dubious & Avowed, 1977