It’s not a unicorn — it’s a horse with a sword on its head that protects my hopes and dreams. ~Scrubs, “My Unicorn,” 2004, written by Tad Quill & Gabrielle Allan [S4, E11, Dr. Dorian]
I can only eat glitter and rainbows. Darn my sensitive stomach! ~Bob Shea, Unicorn Thinks He’s Pretty Great, 2013
to be a unicorn
by sticking a plunger on your head
~Martín Espada, “Advice to Young Poets,” The Republic of Poetry, 2006
“That doesn’t mean I pretend to be someone else. I don’t know how to be something I’m not, okay? I don’t know what you learned in that fantasy world of yours growing up, but I was told to just be myself.”
“Unless you can be a unicorn,” Dee says. “In that case, you should always be a unicorn.” ~Elle Lothlorien, Alice in Wonderland, 2012 [Conversation of Alice Faye Dahl and her sister. And of course, the more famous post-publication paraphrase and meme: “Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.”
Being a person is getting too complicated. Time to be a unicorn. ~Internet meme, c. 2013
I just saw Twilight.
It’s labeled a vampire film,
but I don’t know why.
Those were not vampires.
If sunlight makes you sparkle,
you’re a unicorn.
~Ryan Mecum, Vampire Haiku, 2009
Don’t you love it that Prince doesn’t use Twitter? Don’t you think he’s somewhere on a unicorn? ~Bruno Mars, quoted by Mikael Wood, Los Angeles Times, 2012
When someone told me that I live in a fantasyland, I nearly fell off my unicorn. ~Internet meme, c. 2010 #infj
Women don’t fart — it’s just glittery puffs of unicorn giggles. ~Internet meme, c. 2012
She didn’t know what a goji berry was, but it sounded like something Amazonian tribesmen might eat when they wanted to talk to their ancestors and embark on an inner voyage into some sort of unicorn-infested netherworld. ~Lola Salt, The Extraordinary Life of Lara Craft (Not Croft), 2013 [pseudonym of Sarah Alderson & Becky Wicks
Hey, I like unicorns. Unicorns are just weaponized ponies. ~Damon Suede, Bad Idea, 2013
Unicorns are just horny ponies. ~Internet meme, c. 2014
From a proud unicorn stallion vomiting rainbows as he soars across the sky to toy unicorns pooping rainbows as colored jellybeans, modern culture puts its own twist on potty humor by making it light and fluffy. Don’t get stuck asking yourself why unicorns fart rainbows — it’s the juxtaposition of a magical creature and a disgusting everyday act that creates the joke. ~UnicornsRule.com, 2016
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. ~Sage advice
No one can vouch for the origins of the medieval proverb, “No true virgin plays leapfrog with a unicorn in the forest on a spring night.” ~Muriel Segal, Virgins Reluctant, Dubious & Avowed, 1977
Funny Unicorn Quotations
Original post date: 2004 Nov 23
1st major revision: 2017 Apr 21