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Quotations about Alcohol
and Drinking Toasts


Tea is so tame. A cocktail is lots more naughty. ~Richard Florance, "It: The Usual Play with an Unusual Ending," in The Smart Set: A Magazine of Cleverness, 1915

To good eating belongs good drinking. ~German proverb

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. ~Ernest Hemingway, as quoted in A. E. Hotchner, The Good Life According to Hemingway, 2008

Visitor: "My word, I'm thirsty."
Hostess: "Wait a moment, I'll get you some water."
Visitor: "I said thirsty, not dirty."
~George Belcher, "Life Is Like That," King Features Syndicate, 1931

Our government land costs one dollar and twenty-five cents an acre, and good whiskey two dollars a bottle. How many men die landless who during their lives have swallowed whole townships — trees and all? ~Author unknown, c.1878, quoted in Silas X. Floyd, Floyd's Flowers: or, Duty and Beauty for Colored Children, 1905

If you must drink and drive… drink Pepsi! ~PepsiCo, Inc. bumper sticker, 1976

O God, that men
should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away
their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance
revel and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!
~William Shakespeare, Othello, c.1604  [II, 3, Cassio]

A full Vine bending, like an Arch, and under
The blown God Bacchus, fitting on a Hogshead,
His Altar Beer: before that, a plump Vinter
Kneeling, and offering Incense to his Deity...
[A]nd then comes thy Song... The drinking Song...
      Drink today and drown all Sorrow,
      You shall perhaps not do it to morrow.
      Best while you have it use your Breath,
      There is no drinking after Death. ⁂
      Wine works the Heart up, makes the Wit,
      There is no Cure 'gainst Age but it... ⁂
      Then let us swill, Boys, for our Health;
      Who drinks well, loves the Commonwealth.
      And he that will to Bed go sober,
      Falls with the Leaf still in October.
~Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher, The Bloody Brother; or, Rollo, a Tragedy, 1718 (Act II, Scene II)

Come, landlord, fill a flowing bowl, until it does run over;
To-night we all will merry be, to-morrow we'll get sober.
~Popular song, c.1700s

If four or five guys tell you that you're drunk, even though you know you haven't had a thing to drink, the least you can do is to lie down a little while. ~Joseph Schenck

A dog will run up and lick your hand. No bottle will do that… If the whiskey ever starts licking your hand, I would advise you lay off it for a while, say five or ten minutes. ~W. C. Fields, "Alcohol and Me," 1942

Next to a drunkard I hate a teetotaller. ~Charles Searle, Look Here!, 1885

Nevertheless my uncle Benjamin was not what you lightly term a drunkard, make no mistake about that. He was an epicurean who pushed philosophy to the point of intoxication,—that was all.... He loved wine, not for itself, but for that short-lived madness which it brings.... he maintained that a fasting man was a man still asleep; that intoxication would have been one of the greatest blessings of the Creator, if it had not injured the head, and that the only thing that made man superior to the brute was the faculty of getting drunk. ~Claude Tillier (1801–1844), My Uncle Benjamin: A Humorous, Satirical, and Philosophical Novel, 1843, translated from the French by Benjamin R. Tucker, 1890

Fill a bumper, let its lustre
Change our cares to laughing joys;
See! glad moments round us cluster,
Let us sing with merry voice—
      Here's success amid successes,
      To the worthy every one,
      May each year that onward presses
      Bring to you a brighter sun!
~James Mackintosh, "Fill a Bumper," Antonio, & Other Poems, 1876

Almost anything can be preserved in alcohol, except health, happiness, and money. ~Mary Wilson Little, Reveries of a Paragrapher, 1897

ALCOHOL  A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets. ~Charles Wayland Towne, The Foolish Dictionary, Executed by Gideon Wurdz, Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious Lunacy, etc., 1904

Punches and juleps, cobblers and smashes
To make the tongue waggle with wit's merry flashes
~Sign hung over the door of English Harry Hill's barroom, New York, founded by sportsman Harry Hill (1827–1896)

Come, brothers, come, and drink with me,
      See how the glass is beaming!
      One bright unclouded hour will we
      Spend in delicious dreaming!...
Fleeting is every earthly joy,
      Wait not till time its bloom destroy,
      But pluck the rose, nor pause to think,
            But drink!
~Theodor Körner (1791–1813), "A Drinking Song," A Selection from the Poems and Dramatic Works of Theodor Körner, 1850, translated from the German by an unnamed female translator  #happyhour

Here's to our guest —
Don't let him rest,
But keep his elbow bending.
'Tis time to drink —
Full time to think
Tomorrow — when you're mending.
~"To Our Guest," Toasts for the Times in Pictures and Rhymes by John William Sargent, 1904

The bad taste of alcohol is there to clue in your body that you shouldn't drink it. Luckily I don't fall for "appeal to nature" fallacies. ~Corey Mohler, @existentialcoms, tweet, 2015

Here's to a temperance supper,
With water in glasses tall,
And coffee and tea to end with—
And me not there at all.
~A Plate of Toasts, collected and passed along by Edwin Osgood Grover, 1916

Rum is a flatterer, making fools and lunatics. ~James Lendall Basford (1845–1915), Seven Seventy Seven Sensations, 1897

Some liquor brewed by monks
      In the depths of a tomb-like cell,
      Amid old skulls and tombstones,
      This shall poison me well:
So that a blazing hall
      Up in my brain shall rise;
      With musicians assembled,
      And a thousand watching eyes...
And so long as those liquid fires
      Within my soul yet shine,
      I will dream that dream of madness,
      The dream which is divine:
But the strings snap soon and the fiddles
      Wabble, all out of tune;
      The horns grunt, and the flutes shriek,
      And hoots the grim bassoon.
The conductor breaks his baton;
      The tears run down his face.
      The lights go out: the audience
      Clump noisily from their place.
Thus I must pay the reckoning
      For dreaming that dream again
      Sick and pallid and aching,
      I wake to the same old pain.
~John Gould Fletcher, "The Dream of Art"

Upon occasion we should go as far as intoxication.... Drink washes cares away, stirs the mind from its lowest depths.... But in liberty moderation is wholesome, and so it is in wine.... We ought not indulge too often, for fear the mind contract a bad habit, yet it is right to draw it toward elation and release and to banish dull sobriety for a little. ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca, "On Tranquility of Mind"

I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be crazy the rest of your life. ~W. C. Fields, 1934

Let us be drunk, and for a while forget,
Forget, and, ceasing even from regret,
Live without reason and despite of rhyme,
As in a dream preposterous and sublime,
Where place and hour and means for once are met.
Where is the use of effort? Love and debt
And disappointment have us in a net.
Let us break out, and taste the morning prime…
            Let us be drunk.
In vain our little hour we strut and fret,
And mouth our wretched parts as for a bet:
We cannot please the tragicaster Time.
To gain the crystal sphere, the silver clime,
Where Sympathy sits dimpling on us yet,
            Let us be drunk!
~William Ernest Henley (1849–1903), "To F. W."

Master Tubal told me that it was not enough to run a pace, but to set forth betimes: so doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking in a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning; unde versus,
      "To rise betimes is no good hour,
        To drink betimes is better sure."
~François Rabelais, Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I, 1532, translated by Thomas Urquhart and Peter Motteux, edited by Curtis Hidden Page, 1905

I hate drunkenness; but I do not hate the drunkard. If any man should have our friendship it is the man who has failed to be a friend to himself. The fact is, the victim of strong drink often has all the virtues—including high intelligence and a tender, sympathetic heart—and yet when the Demon Drink clutches him, his will is paralyzed, and Satan is in the saddle.... The worst about strong drink has never been told. It cannot be told—it escapes the limitations of language. ~Elbert Hubbard, "Can You Afford It?", Cosmopolitan, May 1913

Then he thought of drinking in order to give himself courage, and had a decanter of rum brought him, from which he gulped down, one after the other, six little glasses. A warmth, like a burn, seized on him. It was followed as soon by a giddiness of the soul. ~Guy de Maupassant (1850–1893), "A Coward," translated by Jonathan Sturges

The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1963

Hard work, worry and whiskey are the friends of man. ~Martin H. Fischer (1879–1962)

Drink 'til the ground looks blue. ~Thomas Heywood, Philocothonista, 1635 [spelling modernized —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]

T is for Temperance, Tremens, and Thirst.
You get the last two if you don't have the first.
~James Clarence Harvey, "A Drink Primer," Over the Nuts & Wine, 1906

It's like an angel crying on your tongue. ~The Mentalist, "My Bloody Valentine," written by Bruno Heller and Tom Szentgyorgyi, spoken by the character Patrick Jane, about alcohol

Drinking makes you happy with your body the way it is. ~Philip Rosenthal & Mike Royce, Everybody Loves Raymond, "Not So Fast" (season 9, episode 2), original airdate 2004 September 27th, spoken by the character Robert Barone, based on the comedy of Ray Romano

...why so very, very merry?
Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry?
~W.S. Gilbert, "Ferdinando and Elvira," The "Bab" Ballads: Much Sound and Little Sense, 1860s

Sobriety is either the love of health, or an incapacity for debauch. ~François VI de la Rochefoucault (1613–1680)

Here's to conscience. May it wake up to hear us toast it, and then go to sleep again. ~The Loving Cup: Original Toasts by Original Folks, edited by Wilbur D. Nesbit, 1909

When things begin to blur, get stronger glasses — or weaker drinks. ~Arnold H. Glasow (1905–1999)

The Drink Question: "Have another?" ~"Poor Richard Junior's Philosophy," The Saturday Evening Post, 1908, George Horace Lorimer, editor

Mixologist, n.  person who complicates pouring alcohol. ~Blind Date (Bravo), 2020

Memory impairment: the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle. ~Big Bang Theory, "The Agreement Dissection" (season 4, episode 21, original airdate April 28, 2011), written by Lorre, Prady, Molaro, Kaplan, Goetsch, and Gorodetsky, spoken by the character Sheldon Cooper

As soon as William returned, all poesy flew away. He brought me the heavy odor of the barroom, and his kisses, which smelt of gin, quickly broke the wings of my dream. ~Octave Mirbeau, A Chambermaid's Diary / Le Journal d'une Femme de Chambre, 1900, translated from the French by Benjamin R. Tucker

To alcohol! — the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. ~The Simpsons, "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment," 1997, written by John Swartzwelder  [S8, E18, Homer]

KEYHOLE  A frequent test for sobriety. ~Charles Wayland Towne, The Foolish Dictionary, Executed by Gideon Wurdz, Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious Lunacy, etc., 1904

There are human bodies which, instead of throwing off alcohol that is taken into the system, seemingly catch and retain it. There are traps in the tissues that hold the toxin; and instead of getting rid of it, these traps set up a fever, a thirst, a vain unrest, and a mad desire for more drink. ~Elbert Hubbard, "Can You Afford It?", Cosmopolitan, May 1913

But as to those whose common sense is small and their individual sense is great, alcohol acts upon them as a poison of the soul. Naturally unchecked by common sense, the poor creature enjoys the spin of his own mind until it is a passion so to do. ~Walter Moxon, M.D., F.R.C.P. (1836–1886), "Alcohol and Individuality; or, Why Did He Become a Drunkard?"

Is there no way to stop the brain from thinking
      Gin rickey thoughts and metaphysic highballs—
      And yet how simple 'twas to swear off drinking
      When one could get quite plastered to the eyeballs...
I'm Bacchanalian, bibulous, and wasted;
      My lofty thoughts have sunk to booze and bunk
      My jug of wine was full but rarely tasted;
      Lo now, I thirst—a wretched mental drunk!...
With dust as dry as Gobi in my flagon...
      I'm blistering and bleaching on the wagon.
~H. Lyman Armes, "As a Man Thinketh: A Pantoum," Judge, 1920 July 31st  [Please accept my apologies for ruining the pantoum format by shortening the poem for quoting. —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]

Drinkard — a fellow who drinks a lot but never seems to get drunk. ~Hal Borland  [a little altered —tg]

S is for Silly, the name that fits you,
If, after a drink, you are crazy for two.
~James Clarence Harvey, "A Drink Primer," Over the Nuts & Wine, 1906

The secret to a long life is to stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much. Then again, don't drink too little. ~Hermann Smith-Johannson, 1979

A man who has taken aboard two or three cocktails is less competent than he was before to steer a battleship down the Ambrose Channel, or to cut off a leg, or to draw up a deed of trust, or to conduct Bach's B minor mass, but he is immensely more competent to entertain a dinner party, or to admire a pretty girl, or to hear Bach's B minor mass. The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind. Pithecanthropus erectus was a teetotaler, but the angels, you may be sure, know what is proper at 5 P.M. ~H. L. Mencken

Here's to beefsteak when you're hungry,
Whiskey when you are dry,
Greenbacks when you are busted,
And Heaven when you die!
~A Plate of Toasts, collected and passed along by Edwin Osgood Grover, 1916

Cold whiskey out of a bottle, taken as a prescription six times a day on the sly, isn't my idea of virtue... ~Charles Dudley Warner, Backlog Studies, 1873

Women make me weary, but whisky at least enables me to forget myself for a while. ~R. E. Boyns, A Grass Widow, 1919

The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and not the dog, is man's best friend. ~W. C. Fields, "Alcohol and Me," 1942

CIDER may be a good temperance beverage, but I have seen folks so drunk on it that they couldn't tell one of the 10 commandments from a by-law of a base-ball club. ~Josh Billings, revised by H. Montague

It shrinks my liver... it pickles my kidneys... but what does it do to my mind? It tosses the sandbags overboard so the balloon can soar. Suddenly I'm above the ordinary. I'm confident — supremely confident. I'm walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. I'm one of the great ones. I'm Michelangelo molding the beard of Moses. I'm van Gogh painting pure sunlight. I'm Horowitz playing the Emperor Concerto. I'm John Barrymore before the movies, got him by the throat. I'm Jesse James and his two brothers — all three of them. I'm W. Shakespeare. ~Charles Brackett & Billy Wilder, The Lost Weekend, 1945, based on the novel by Charles Jackson (1903–1968), 1944, spoken by the character Don Birnam

If life is a bubble, and breaks with a blast,
      You must toss off your wine, if you’d wish it to last;
      For the bubble may well be destroy’d with a puff,
      If ’tis not kept floating in liquor enough.
If life is a flower, as philosophers say,
      ’Tis a very good thing understood the right way;
      For if life is a flower, any blockhead can tell,
      If you’d have it look fresh, you must moisten it well.
This life is no more than a journey ’tis said,
      Where the roads for most part are confoundedly bad;
      So let wine be our spurs, and all trav’lers will own,
      That whatever the roads, we jog merrily on.
This world to a theatre liken’d has been,
      Where each man around has a part in the scene;
      ’Tis our part to be drunk, and ’tis matter of fact,
      That the more you all drink, boys, the better you act.
This life is a dream, in which many will weep,
      Who have strange silly fancies, and cry in their sleep;
      But of us, when we wake from our dream, ’twill be said,
      That the tears of the tankard were all that we shed.
~George Colman, c.1780s the thin mists of oncoming slumber creep across my slightly intoxicated brain... ~H. G. Wells, Apropos of Dolores, 1938

Can you afford to run the risk of ruin by dallying with this arch-enemy that has laid so many low? We have been led to think that to drink is manly, and to get in a condition where common sense has fled and the tongue is tangled is funny.... The use of strong drink is neither manly, nor amusing, and no one who loves you or is interested in your welfare would think so. ~Elbert Hubbard, "Can You Afford It?", Cosmopolitan, May 1913

Fill a bumper, let its gladness
Heart to heart still closer bring,
Whilst that night-owl, brooding Sadness,
Flies away on startled wing:
      Here's success amid successes
      To the free and fair and bold,
      May each year that onward presses
      Leave to us bright sands of gold.
~James Mackintosh, "Fill a Bumper," Antonio, & Other Poems, 1876

The demon of the wine cup had fled, and reason once more asserted her right to control. ~Silas X. Floyd (1869–1923), "Home, Sweet Home," Floyd's Flowers: or, Duty and Beauty for Colored Children, 1905

Awake is vertical, asleep horizontal, and drunk is dizzyingly diagonal. ~Terri Guillemets

Drink like a fish and your head will swim. ~Arnold H. Glasow (1905–1999)

I hereby solemnly resolve to abstain from drinking alcoholic beverages:
– Between the hours of one A.M. and eight A.M., if unconscious.
– While brushing my teeth.
– While in the dentist's chair during any regular dental operation, including crowning, bridge-work, medicating gums or teeth, or ordinary filling.
– While yawning.
– While licking postage stamps or envelope flaps.
– While shaving my chin.
– While whistling "Silver Threads Among the Gold," or any other operatic selections.
– When some clumsy person knocks my elbow when there is a glass in my hand.
~James Montgomery Flagg, "I Should Say So: Four Easy New Year's Resolutions," 1915  [a little altered —tg]

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once — she drove me to drink — 'tis the one thing I'm indebted to her for. ~W. C. Fields, 1941

Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord. ~J. Melville Janson

He calls for wine: 'A health!' quoth he, as if
He had been abroad, carousing to his mates
After a storm...
~William Shakespeare, Taming of the Shrew, c.1593  [III, 2, Gremio]

[T]he majority of men are discontented with their life, and seek the pleasures of the flesh. But the flesh can never be satisfied, and men... seek oblivion in smoking or drunkenness. ~Leo Tolstoy, The Pathway of Life, translated by Archibald J. Wolfe, 1919

There is something about an old-fashioned
That kindles a cardiac glow;
It is soothing and soft and impassioned
As a lyric by Swinburne or Poe.
There is something about an old-fashioned
When dusk has enveloped the sky,
And it may be the ice,
Or the pineapple slice,
But I strongly suspect it's the Rye...
~Ogden Nash (1902–1971), "A Drink with Something in It"

Promise me one thing: don't take me home until I'm drunk — very drunk indeed. ~From the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, 1961, screenplay by George Axelrod, based on the novella by Truman Capote

At three past Scotch it is time to go home... ~Thomas McGrath, "Poor John Luck and the Middle Class Struggle, Or: The Corpse in the Bookkeeper's Body," The Movie at the End of the World: Collected Poems, 1972

The order of drinking is from the mildest to the most foamy and perfumed. ~Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, The Physiology of Taste; or, Transcendental Gastronomy, 1825, translated by Fayette Robinson, 1854

Pecks of trouble come in pint bottles. ~"Poor Richard Junior's Philosophy," The Saturday Evening Post, 1906, George Horace Lorimer, editor

Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain cells. ~Two and a Half Men, "Damn You, Eggs Benedict," 2008, written by Lorre, Aronsohn, & Atwood [S6, E3, Charlie Harper]

Know thyself, especially thyself after a couple of drinks. ~Robert Brault,

Drink washes off the daub and discovers the man. ~Thomas Fuller's Gnomologia, no.1330  [modernized —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]

To the Countess Grey,
Dr. Thomson advises as follows for you:—
      * Broiled meat at breakfast, an egg, and chocolate.
      * At twelve, a basin of rich soup.
      * At two, a meat luncheon and a tumbler of porter.
      * A jelly at four.
      * Dinner at six; four or five glasses of claret.
      * Tea and a whole muffin.
      * Hot supper and negus at ten.
      * Something nourishing at the side of your bed...
And so, my dear Lady Grey, God bless you! Read cheerful books, play at cards, look forward two hours, and believe me always most truly yours,
~Sydney Smith, Edinburgh, 1827

Obfuscated. — Drunk. ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s

Greetin’ fu’, adv. phr. (Scots’) — Drunk:  literally ‘crying drunk.’  ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s

Happy. — Slightly drunk, elevated: see Screwed. ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s

Happy-returns. — Vomiting. ~Slang and its Analogues: A Dictionary of Heterodox Speech, John S. Farmer and W. E. Henley, 1890s

You know statistics have proven that listening to prohibition lecturers has driven more people to drink than any other cause. ~Will Rogers

      At the garage, we had one word of advice from a weather beaten old-timer, of whom we inquired as to roads.
      "The w'ust trouble ye'll have in a prohibition state is tire trouble."
      "Why should prohibition affect our tires?"
      "Dead soldiers."
      "Dead soldiers?"
      "Empty whiskey bottles." ~Winifred Hawkridge Dixon, Westward Hoboes: Ups and Downs of Frontier Motoring, 1921  [of Arizona, in 1918 —tg]

Always remember, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ~Winston Churchill

Oh, and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and I forgot how to drive? ~The Simpsons, "Secrets of a Successful Marriage," 1994, written by Daniels, Canterbury, & Cohen  [S5, E22, Homer —tg]

I used to know a clever toast,
But pshaw! I cannot think it—
So fill your glass to Anything
And, bless your souls, I'll drink it.
~Wallace Irwin, "A Toast by Proxy," c.1904

But it is a well-known fact that whiskey likewise gives one an heroic feeling. A slight amount makes every man his own Napoleon. ~W. C. Fields, "Alcohol and Me," 1942

Let's drink to hope! And hope to drink. ~Terri Guillemets, "Corkscrew," 2009

If you should die, dilly dilly, as it may hap,
You shall be buried, dilly dilly, under the tap;
Who told you so, dilly dilly, pray tell me why?
That you might drink, dilly dilly, when you are dry.
~Popular Rhymes and Nursery Tales, Halliwell, 1849

When Flemming saw the little streams, sliding down the mountainside, and leaping, all life and gladness, he would fain have clasped them in his arms and been their playmate, and revelled with them in their freedom and delight. Yet he was weary with the day's journey, and entered the village more like a way-worn traveller than an enthusiastic poet. As he went up the tavern steps, he said in his heart, with the Italian Aretino: "He who has not been at a tavern knows not what a paradise it is. O holy tavern! O miraculous tavern!—holy, because no carking cares are there, nor weariness, nor pain..." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Foot-Travelling," Hyperion: A Romance, 1839 (Book III, Chapter II)  [a little altered —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]

If things get so complicated that you are worried and upset, don't take a little thought to try to rearrange and simply your life — grab another cocktail and forget it for the moment. Am I preaching? I'm sorry, but I feel badly when I see people clawing at the bars of a cage whose door is standing open. ~Ruth Stout, "Throw Away Your Spade and Hoe," How to Have a Green Thumb Without an Aching Back, 1955

Where ever I go, there I am. Drunk. ~Rita E. Torres

The chief incentives to indulge in strong drink arise from imperfect nutrition, loss of sleep, and lack of exercise in the open air. These things bring about a condition where worry becomes a habit, and drink follows in a search for relief. ~Elbert Hubbard, "Can You Afford It?", Cosmopolitan, May 1913

Half the thirst for alcohol that exists in the world exists simply because alcohol acts as a temporary anæsthetic and effacer to all these morbid feelings that never ought to be in a human being at all. ~William James, "The Gospel of Relaxation," 1899

One New Year's Eve I stood up at our local pub and said it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, I wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death. ~Robert Orben, 2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches, 1984

When we're drinking the world makes so much sense, but as soon as we sober up it returns to chaos and confusion. ~Terri Guillemets

If food hath slain its thousands, then drink has slain its tens of thousands. ~William Kitchiner, Directions for Invigorating and Prolonging Life, 1831

There is alcohol. And as I say, when there is alcohol, food is an inadequate diversion. ~The Great, "Dickhead," 2021, written by Tony McNamara and Matthew Moore, based on the 2008 play by Tony McNamara  [S2, E2, Hulu]

If you drink a 180-proof raicilla straight down, you can feel it going into each individual intestine. ~Richard Burton, 1963  [a little altered —tg]

Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
~Ogden Nash, "Reflection on Ice-Breaking," Hard Lines, 1931

MEAL  According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of crumbs entirely surrounded by booze. ~Charles Wayland Towne, The Foolish Dictionary, Executed by Gideon Wurdz, Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious Lunacy, etc., 1904

She's a drunk... I'm sorry — alcoholic. A person with alcoholism. An Alcoholic-American. ~Fleishman Is in Trouble, "Summon Your Witnesses," 2022,, written by Taffy Brodesser-Akner,, based on the 2019 novel  [S1, E1, Phillip]

PROHIBITIONIST.  The sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. ~H. L. Mencken

Join me — one little jigger of dreams. ~Charles Brackett & Billy Wilder, The Lost Weekend, 1945, based on the novel by Charles Jackson (1903–1968), 1944, spoken by the character Don Birnam

The nut-brown ale and the fine old gin
Right pleasantly they do suck.
~Charles Stuart Calverley, "Striking," Verses and Translations, 1862

In truth, the danger of drink, to Americans, is more hazardous than to any other people. We have an intensity of "nerves" beyond that of any other nation that has ever existed. ~Elbert Hubbard, "Can You Afford It?", Cosmopolitan, May 1913

HIGHBALL. A drink in the hand which is worth two headache powders in the drugstore. ~Noah Lott (George V. Hobart), The Silly Syclopedia, 1905

There is something they put in a highball
That awakens the torpidest brain,
That kindles a spark in the eyeball,
Gliding singing through vein after vein.
There is something they put in a highball
Which you'll notice one day, if you watch;
And it may be the soda,
Bud judged by the odor,
I rather believe it's the Scotch...
~Ogden Nash (1902–1971), "A Drink with Something in It"

...there's a bottle of prime brandy as will warm the cockles of your heart. ~F. C. Armstrong, The Young Middy, 1867

As Nathaniel Hawthorne once said of marriage: "Let man tremble at the hand of woman, for" — blah, blah, blah — alcohol is fun! ~NCIS, "Up In Smoke," 2012, written by Steven D. Binder  [S9, E23, Jimmy Palmer]

St. Patrick was a gentleman
Who, through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland;
Here's a bumper to his health.
But not too many bumpers,
Lest we lose ourselves, and then—
Forget the good St. Patrick
And see the snakes again.
~Author unknown, c.1900

Possibly you have noted the various epithets that have been gratuitously tossed at alcohol... ~W. C. Fields, "Alcohol and Me," 1942

Please someone tell me—
am I actually demented,
or just well-fermented?
~Terri Guillemets, "Tempus insaniam," 1996

WHISKY  Trouble put up in liquid form. ~Charles Wayland Towne, The Foolish Dictionary, Executed by Gideon Wurdz, Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious Lunacy, etc., 1904

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