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Quotations about Computers,
Information Technology,
Internet, Programming, etc.
The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing. No credit is given for distinguishing between these two very different emotions. I fear snakes. I hate computers. ~David Sedaris, "Nutcracker.com," Me Talk Pretty One Day, 2000, davidsedarisbooks.com
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. ~Andy Rooney, Word for Word, 1986
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
~David Dixon, 1998, winning entry of the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
One man's crappy software is another man's full time job. ~Jessica Gaston, 2008
Not only has the internet wrought huge changes — it refuses to sit still. ~Dr. Idel Dreimer, lumpenbangenpiano.com, 2016
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. ~Doug Larson, United Feature Syndicate, as quoted by The Reader's Digest, 1995
HARDWARE. Where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is.
SOFTWARE. Where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.
~Dave Barry, "Glossary of Standard Computer Terms," Dave Barry's Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week, 1986, davebarry.com
Rebooting is a wonder drug — it fixes almost everything. ~Garrett Hazel, "Help Desk Blues," 2002
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
~Suzie Wagner, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique...
~"Weird Al" Yankovic, "It's All About the Pentiums," Running with Scissors, 1999, weirdal.com ♫
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in. ~The Huntingburg Independent, Indiana, quoted by Bill Gold, The Washington Post, quoted by The Reader's Digest, 1976, quoted by yours truly, 1998
I am at a loss to figure out how to rid my e-mail of those bottom-feeders of the electronic world, the generators of spam... If I were Emperor of the World, I would lock all the spammers in a room and force them to watch nothing but TV commercials for the rest of their miserable lives, and I would condemn the people who respond to spammers to do nothing but clean the toilets in this room. ~Richard E. Turner (1937–2011), The Grammar Curmudgeon, a.k.a. "The Mudge," from "The Curmudgeon Sounds Off: A Plague of Spam," 2004
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
~Margaret Segall, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. ~Alan J. Perlis (1922–1990)
I hate computers for replacing the card catalog in the New York Public Library. ~David Sedaris, "Nutcracker.com," Me Talk Pretty One Day, 2000, davidsedarisbooks.com
On the internet, even private is public. ~Terri Guillemets, 2007
What do you call a doctor that fixes websites? WebMD. ~Forest Houtenschil, 1999
USER. The word that computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." ~Dave Barry, "Glossary of Standard Computer Terms," Dave Barry's Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week, 1986, davebarry.com
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
~Charlie Gibbs, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. ~Bill Vaughan, 1969 [quoteinvestigator.com]
To err is human, to restore is DBA. ~Kedar Vaijanapurkar, 2013, ilike.nitty-witty.com
Emails we can read, say no to 'send a receipt', mark as unread, categorise, label and put in a folder whilst drinking tea and thinking about other things. It's hard work making the right noises and facial expressions in response to an
Your network is secure, your computer is up and running, and your printer is
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. ~Gerald Weinberg, Weinberg's Law, 1970s
You've got white-out all over your screen.
You think your Commodore 64 is really neat-o,
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh —
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
~"Weird Al" Yankovic, "It's All About the Pentiums," Running with Scissors, 1999, weirdal.com ♫
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Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
~David Ansel, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
It was a hard sell, since he's a database person, and as far as I've seen, once those database worms eat into your brain, it's hard to ever get anything practical done again. To a database person, every nail looks like a thumb. Or something like that. ~Jamie Zawinski, 1998, jwz.org
DATA BASE. The information you lose when your memory crashes. ~Dave Barry, "Glossary of Standard Computer Terms," Dave Barry's Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week, 1986, davebarry.com
🎄
He's making a database
He's sorting it twice
SELECT * from contacts WHERE behavior = 'nice'
SQL Clause is coming to town
🎄
~Karen Kringle, tweet, 2015
Database Management System, n. Also DBMS. [Origin: DATA + Latin basus "low, mean, vile, menial, degrading, counterfeit."] Software. A complex set of interrelational data structures, allowing data to be lost in many convenient sequences while retaining a complete record of the logical relations between the missing items. ~Stan Kelly-Bootle (1929–2014), The Devil's DP Dictionary, 1981
Duplicate Record
Key Violation attempt
Fix your data please
~SSHD Crew, "Duplicate Record," DBA Frustrations in Haiku Form, 2013
JASON: Apparently the leaked Windows source code contains some pretty naughty language.
PETER: Naughty language?
JASON: Curse words in the comments.
PETER: So when people are swearing at their PC, it's actually swearing back?
JASON: Clever Microsoft.
~Bill Amend, FoxTrot comic, March 2004, foxtrot.com
Computers, huh? I've heard it all boils down to just a bunch of ones and zeroes... I don't know how that enables me to see naked women, but however it works, God bless you guys. ~From the television show King of Queens (1998–2007), spoken by the character Doug Heffernan [lost my notes somewhere for which episode this was from
Age is like the latest version of a software — it has a bunch of great new features but you lost all the cool features the previous version had. ~Terri Guillemets, "Thirties and beyond," 2006
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
~Peter Rothman, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
The problem with internet quotes is that you cannot always depend on their accuracy. ~Benjamin Franklin, 1795
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published 1999 Feb 16
revised 2021 Aug 15
last saved 2024 Sep 5
www.quotegarden.com/computers.html