The Quote Garden
 “I dig old books.”
 Est. 1998

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Humorous Quotations

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All rights reserved — even the right to dramatise. ~Mary Wilson Little, Reveries of a Paragrapher, 1897

It takes so little to make a stranger's day, and even less to totally ruin it. ~Demetri Martin

The "duh" is silent. ~Rachel Maddow, 2017 July 17th, The Rachel Maddow Show

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H. L. Mencken, A Little Book in C Major, 1916

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown

Someone has said: "A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking." ~Martin H. Fischer (1879–1962), quoted from a physiology lecture by his University of Cincinnati student Howard D. Fabing in Fischerisms, 1930

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." ~Robert Brault,

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade

Occasionally it seems as though the only leisure class in America is composed exclusively of telephone operators. ~"Poor Richard Junior's Philosophy," The Saturday Evening Post, 1904, George Horace Lorimer, editor

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley

Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary

First rule of Nietzsche Club: No Kants. ~@NeinQuarterly (Nein. Eric Jarosinski, editor), 2014 January 16th tweet

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams

Ancient oceanic proverb:  The enemy of my anemone is my frenanemone. ~Internet meme, 2015

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author Unknown

Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown

You can't have everything — where would you put it? ~Steven Wright, A Steven Wright Special, 1985,

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~Torvald Gahlin

There is a whole family of Misses whose company better be avoided. Miss Fortune is ever sticking her nose in where it is not wanted. Miss Demeanor is ugly and haughty yet is constantly getting courted. Of Miss Ann Thropy we have a perfect abhorrence. Always steer clear of Miss Hap. Miss Judge, with a mind warped by the strongest prejudices, this lady exalts herself to pronounce sentence upon people's words and actions. She is closely related to Miss Construe and Miss Conception, to whom she is warmly attached, and greatly influenced by their counsel. Harm is in Miss Chief's nature, her presence invariably followed by evil consequences. Miss Be Havior is a daughter of the House of Incivility. Miss Nomer is erratic, by slips of memory and tongue; her course of action is more ludicrous than weighty. Miss Trust is afraid of her own shadow. Miss Print is a devotee of literary efforts. Whether it be that her manuscript is illegible, or the typo at fault, her articles never appear well. Miss Quote is of poetic temperament, emulates rhapsody, and is fond of reciting classics and poems of high order, but her recitations are incorrect. Miss Represent is a great talker and a born gossip. Not always does she mean to do harm, but she gives color to trifling words and actions that eventually grow into vast magnitude. Be sure to get a true wife and not a Miss Tress.  [This is compiled from seven newspapers and magazines spanning 1818 through 1885, with some wordings slightly altered. The only credited author is the latest, Angeline E. Alexander, "A Sisterhood of Spinsters," 1885.] —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown

DILEMMA  Comes from dill, a pickle, and Emma, a person. A person in a pickle. ~Charles Wayland Towne, The Altogether New Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz, 1914

Here's to the floor,
Our best friend of all,
Who sticks to us close
In the time of our fall.
When benches are fickle
And tables betray
And rugs are revolving,
He meets us half-way.
~Oliver Herford, "The Floor," Happy Days, illustrated by John Cecil Clay, 1917

My children suspect I've long slipped over the border from Quaint and now dwell in the capital city of Eccentricity. ~Ethel Pochocki (1925–2010), “Still Acceptably Quaint, But Flirting With ‘Odd,’” 1996

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault,

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~David J. Beard (1947–2016), tweet, 2008 September 18th

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind — a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody Allen

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. ~Douglas Adams

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" ~Author Unknown

May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
~Irish Prayer

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown

The chicken came first — God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown

Here's to the man who invented stairs
      And taught our feet to soar!
      He was the first who ever burst
      Into a second floor.
The world would be downstairs to-day
      Had he not found the key;
      So let his name go down to fame,
      Whatever it may be.
~Oliver Herford, "Stairs: A Toast," Happy Days, illustrated by John Cecil Clay, 1917

I just hate it when Buddhists get all emptier-than-thou. ~John Fugelsang

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown

Satire.— Attacking the vices and follies of others instead of reforming our own. ~"Specimens of a Patent Pocket Dictionary, For the use of those who wish to understand the meaning of things as well as words," The New Monthly Magazine and Literary Journal, 1824‑5

Four-word horror stories:
Team building away day
Rail Replacement Bus Service
Tell us about yourself
We're out of milk
Someone's at the door
~Rob Temple, @SoVeryBritish

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do." ~Robert Brault,

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown

Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt. ~"Phil's-osophy" by Phil Dunphy (Christopher Lloyd, Steven Levitan, and Dan O'Shannon, Modern Family, "Schooled," original airdate 2012 Oct 10)

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. ~Jack Handey

It's not that I'm a Type‑B personality. It's that I'm driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy. ~Robert Brault,

How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

A signature always reveals a man's character — and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling. ~Robert Brault,

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971

Einstein said, "God does not play dice with the world." Now if the dice would only stop playing God. ~Robert Brault,

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny

An old fellow of the ultra inquisitive order asked a little girl on board the train, who was sitting by her mother, as to her name, destination, &c. After learning that she was going to the City, he asked, "What motive is taking you thither, my dear?" "I believe they call it the locomotive, sir," was the reply. ~The New Joe Miller's Jest Book, Containing a Selection of the Most Laughter-Provoking Witticisms, Comicalities, Yankee Drolleries, Puns, Bon Mots, Repartees, &c., &c., &c., Ever Published, 1865

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. ~Robert Brault,

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more? ~Chris Rock, 2003  [Eminem, Tiger Woods, Yao Ming; George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]

Did you ever have the measles, and if so, how many? ~Artemus Ward

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. ~Conan O'Brien, 2003

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. ~Robert Brault,

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown

She was what we used to call a suicide blond — dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow

There are secrets I will take to the grave — and others I'd feel safer having cremated. ~Robert Brault,

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

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Last saved 2021 Jan 15 Fri 21:04 PST

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