The Quote Garden
 “I dig old books.”
 Est. 1998

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Quotable Insults & Comebacks,
and Quotes about Insults

Related Quotes      Compliments      Manners      Kindness      Humorous

A slander is like a hornet; if you can't kill it dead the first time, better not strike at it. ~Henry Wheeler Shaw

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved. ~Russell Lynes

I've had a wonderful evening — but this wasn't it. ~Groucho Marx

You have such a passion for doctoring my disposition, that you can't give sweetmeats without mixing a little physic with them... ~George E. Dabney, "The History of an Adventurer," 1840

Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence.  A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.  She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."  "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.  ~Author Unknown

[T]hou ass-begotten bastard, whom Noah never let into his ark!... What devil's crotchet got into thy capricious noddle, that thou shouldst... run bellowing like Lucifer? ~Richard Cumberland, Nicolas Pedrosa, 1799

Being unpleasant seems to be your only hobby. ~Livingston Welch, A Victim of Rest, 1924  [Eve to Adam —tg]

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."  ~P.G. Wodehouse

I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.  ~Steven Pearl

Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat—at least not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I suggest that perhaps a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales. ~Mark Twain

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.  ~Author Unknown

Her face was her chaperone.  ~Rupert Hughes

I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town.  ~Abe Lemons

She looks as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.  ~Jonathan Swift, Polite Conversation

It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead.  ~Rose Macaulay

Dustin Farnum:  "I've never been better!  In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."
Oliver Herford:  "How clever of you to think of it."

O, she is the antidote to desire.  ~William Congreve, Love for Love, 1695

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.  ~English professor, Ohio University

She has the answer to everything and the solution to nothing.  ~Oscar Levant

[H]e loves her as the Devil loves Holy Water. ~Jonathan Swift

M-day is here; it's the day of the moron. ~Martin H. Fischer (1879–1962)

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.  ~Edward Flaherty

I wouldn't be surprised if one day Carl's halo slipped and choked him.  ~Allan Wells, referring to Carl Lewis, 1989

The scratches in Yoko Ono records are moments of relief. ~S.A. Sachs

Some people should use a glue stick instead of ChapStick. ~Author unknown

I could eat alphabet soup and [$h¡t] better lyrics. ~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.  ~Charles Baudelaire

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.  ~David Gerrold

Jane Austen's books, too, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. ~Mark Twain

I haven't any right to criticise books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticise Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone. ~Mark Twain

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