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Quotations about
Coffee and Caffeine



This morning's forecast:  100% chance of coffee  ~Keith Wynn


The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, "Over the Teacups," 1890


The fact that I'm upright is credit to our french press. ~Elementary, "Pushing Buttons," 2018, written by Jeffrey Paul King  [S6, E3, Sherlock Holmes to Joan Watson]


Coffee is that indefinable something. It is the companion of vigils, the lifter of spirits, the oiler of bones. ~The New York Times, November 1949


What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup. ~Henry Rollins, 1989


If you want to improve your understanding, drink coffee. Sir James Mackintosh used to say, he believed the difference between one man and another was produced by the quantity of coffee he drank. ~Sydney Smith, quoted in A Memoir of the Reverend Sydney Smith: Volume I  by his daughter Lady Saba Holland with A Selection From His Letters edited by Mrs. Austin, 1855


At this point in my life, I am more coffee than man. ~Keith Wynn


I want to hear the simmer
Of the old coffee pot;
I want to hear it hummin'
When it's gettin' good and hot;
I want to see the vapor rise,
Like incense in the room,
And float about a-fillin'
Every corner with perfume.
~John W. Fellows, "The Old Coffee Pot," in The People's Home Journal, 1903


Coffee much quickens the spirits and makes the heart lightsome. ~Author unknown


As a rule, I do not approve of messing around with coffee. No sugar, no milk, no chocolate, hazelnuts, cinnamon, no nothing... Just drink it black, the way God does. ~Clay Thompson (1949–2018), “I put egg shells in my coffee,” The Arizona Republic, 2014


Coffee in styrofoam is against my religion. ~Betsy Cañas Garmon, @wildthyme, tweet, 2009, betsygarmon.com  [Amen, Sister! —tg]


Owen's Law for Secretaries:  As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold. ~The Complete Murphy's Law: A Definitive Collection, Arthur Bloch, 1990


Coffee can be wonderful. It can be horrible. Yet, stuff that you'd taste and throw out in Manhattan, you would gulp greedily over a sun-up campfire in the Adirondacks. It is a true love, mountain high, valley low. Over second and third cups flow matters of high finance, high state, common gossip and low comedy. It is a social binder, a warmer of tongues, a soberer of minds, a stimulant of wit, a foiler of sleep if you want it so. From roadside mugs to the classic demi-tasse, it is the perfect democrat. ~The New York Times, November 1949


But what is coffee, but a noxious berry,
Born to keep used-up Londoners awake?
~Charles Stuart Calverley, "Beer," Verses and Translations, 1862


A cup of coffee, — real coffee, — home-browned, home-ground, home-made, that comes to you dark as a hazel-eye, but changes to a golden bronze as you temper it with cream that never cheated, but was real cream from its birth, thick, tenderly yellow, perfectly sweet, neither lumpy nor frothing on the Java:  such a cup of coffee is a match for twenty blue devils, and will exorcise them all. Involuntarily one draws in his breath by the nostrils. The fragrant savor fills his senses with pleasure; for no coffee can be good in the mouth that does not first send a sweet offering of odor to the nostrils. ~Henry Ward Beecher, "Haying"


There's nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee. ~Rian Aditia


I like her bitter as I can git 'er,
along with a piece of pie.
~Jim Hovendick


Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever. ~David Letterman


Is “enthusiastically” an appropriate answer when someone asks me how I take my coffee? ~Keith Wynn


TOM HACKETT:  This is my personal stash of Yorkshire Gold. Feel free to help yourself, please. But, if you do take the last tea bag, could you not put the box back empty?
DAMIEN ASANTE:  I drink coffee, man. This is America.
~The InBetween, 2019, written by Moira Kirland  [S1, E1]


I'm a coffee is half-full kind of girl. ~Terri Guillemets, "Down–mid–uptown," 1994


I believe in living life one coffee cup at a time. ~Keith Wynn


I love the smell of roses
Along about in June;
And I'd hang around and listen
To almost any tune;
But the fragrance and the music
That nothin' else has got
Are the odor and the simmer
Of the old coffee pot.
~John W. Fellows, "The Old Coffee Pot," in The People's Home Journal, 1903


All's fair in love and war — and coffee. ~South Park, "Gnomes," 1998, written by Brady, Parker, Stone, Goodman, and Pimental  [S2, E17, Mr Tweek]


"What kind of icing do you fellows want?"...
"Moffee!" said Elizabeth...
"You mean coffee mocha?"
"Yup. Moffee cocoa."
~Frances Frost, Uncle Snowball, 1940


There's no logical reason to put pumpkin in a cup of coffee. ~Cindy Ott


Replace therefore your morning-coffee by a hearty breakfast... If you refuse doing so, then have it your own way; but in that case do not afterwards complain of your wretchedness and misery, and if the frame of your body should give way, then you may be sure that you yourself contributed most powerfully towards its downfall... those who are so fond of coffee that the very word coffee acts on them like a charm... ~Sebastian Kneipp, Thus Shalt Thou Live: Hints and Advice for the Healthy and the Sick on a Simple and Rational Mode of Life and a Natural Method of Cure, 1889, translated from the 19th German edition


COFFEE. — This is probably the favorite stimulant of most Americans... Coffee has no actual food value, except for a small quantity of sugar and protein which may be dissolved form it. It should be regarded as a stimulant, therefore, not as a true food. ~Everybody's Cook Book, 1924


They now say that coffee can cause heart attacks. Only if the machine runs out! ~Robert Orben, 2100 Laughs For All Occasions, 1983


Coffee, and I'm a warrior
Tea, a philosopher
Wine, a lover
Water, a napper
~Terri Guillemets


You are only as strong as the coffee you drink. ~Keith Wynn


Hot coffee and cold winter mornings are two of the best soul mates who ever did find each other. ~Terri Guillemets, "Soul warmth," 2010


Thank you, dear coffee, for making Mondays feel a little less… Monday. ~Keith Wynn


DAVE THE BARISTA:  Tall half-skinny, half-two-percent, extra hot, split quad shot latte with whip.
SHERLOCK:  Coffee orders — the Magna Carta was less complicated.
~Elementary, "Lesser Evils," 2012, written by Liz Friedman  [S1, E5]


It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles. ~Dave Barry, "Decaf Poopacino," Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down!, 2000, davebarry.com


Does fear of accidentally taking a sip of decaf count as a phobia? ~Keith Wynn


Coffee has two virtues, it is wet and warm. ~Dutch proverb


Coffee in England is just toasted milk. ~Christopher Fry, 1962


Two wrongs do not make a right, but two cups of coffee sure as hell do! ~Keith Wynn


I always get too high and fidgety with two cups. ~Stephen Dixon, "Question," 1978


Sometimes when I over-indulge in coffee, it is as if I hear with other organs besides those of hearing. I startle easily, before the actual noise happens. ~Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742–1799), "The Character of a Person of my Acquaintance"  [A little altered. Lichtenberg's unfinished "autopsychography" (Norman Alliston, 1908). —tg]


My morning cutoff for coffee is when my hands turn earthquake and my eyes go double-exposure. ~Terri Guillemets, "Coffee at the office is only 25¢!," 2006


It's 6:55 am and I'm on my third cup of coffee. By noon, I'll be able to solve advanced problems in quantum physics. ~Keith Wynn


I looove plenty of coffee
the energy, my heart racing
thinking foolishly optimistic
coffee BUZZ coffee coffee
— awake until 3 A.M.!
~Terri Guillemets, "Coffee fool," 2019, blackout poetry created from T. Greenwood, The Golden Hour, 2017


In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running. ~Jeff Bezos, as quoted in The Reader's Digest


I can't stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words-putting-into-sentence doing. ~Gilmore Girls, "Luke Can See Her Face," 2004, written by Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino  [S4, E20, Lorelai Gilmore]


Too much coffee! — the caffeine starts muttering, my mind goes stumbling, my jitters go jiggy. ~Terri Guillemets


Me before coffee:  today is really going to be a struggle. Me after coffee:  I'm the king of the world!!! ~Keith Wynn


Coffee makes me invincible. But when the cup is empty, I return to mere mortal. ~Terri Guillemets, "Morning armor," 2009


Dear people who like decaf:  With all due respect, why? ~Keith Wynn


The three associated beverages — cocoa, tea, and coffee — are known to the French as aromatic drinks. Each of these has its characteristic aroma. The fragrance and flavor are so marked that they cannot be imitated by any artificial product, although numerous attempts have been made in regard to all three. ~Walter Baker & Co., Ltd., Chocolate and Cocoa Recipes, 1916


Has anyone else noticed that coffee is a really good listener? ~Keith Wynn


Nothing is sad on a beautiful morning save to look down and realize you just had the last sip of coffee and the mug sits indifferently empty. ~Terri Guillemets


And you know very well that coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical. ~Jonathan Swift


I don't understand decaf, it's like sex without the sex. ~A. C. Van Cherub


I think the main ingredient in decaf coffee is disappointment. ~Keith Wynn


[Coffee] is an institution that is underrated until it is scarce. ~The New York Times, November 1949


Coffee makes grisly mornings bearable. ~Terri Guillemets


He said, "I'm ordering coffee with the meal.
Hot black coffee in a great big cup,
Fuming, steaming, filled right up.
I don't want coffee iced in a glass,
And I don't want a miserable demi-tasse,
But what I'll have, come woe, come weal,
Is coffee with, coffee with, coffee with the meal."
~Ogden Nash (1902–1971), "Coffee with the Meal"


Serious question:  back in the days before coffee, did people just basically die? ~Keith Wynn


An American will go to hell for a bag of coffee. ~American proverb


I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume. ~John van Druten, 1963


I'm on coffee #5 and I suddenly want to become a motivational speaker. ~Keith Wynn


This coffee tastes like mud!
Well, it was ground this morning.
~Old Vaudeville joke


Lists "coffee" as family member when filling out forms. ~Keith Wynn


When one asks for cream one should receive either cream or the information that the establishment in question favors instead a combination of vegetable oil and cancer-causing initials. ~Fran Lebowitz


Coffee makes dreams come true. ~Keith Wynn


I went to the Coffee Club and heard very good discourse... ~Samuel Pepys, diary, 1660


Coffee (which makes the politician wise,
And see thro' all things with his half-shut eyes)...
~Alexander Pope, "The Rape of the Lock," 1711–1712  ["A sarcastic allusion to the pretentious talk of the would-be politicians who frequented coffee-houses. These oracles were a standing topic of ridicule." ~Whitwell Elwin –tg]


I never realized how much of a stimulant coffee is until last week, when a friend of mine who drank fifteen cups of coffee a day dropped dead. And three days later he was still mingling at the funeral!... As they were lowering him into the ground, the minister said, "Does anyone have any last words?" And from the coffin came, "Heavy on the sugar!" ~Robert Orben, 2100 Laughs For All Occasions, 1983


I'm not sure if I've had too much coffee, or if it's had me. ~Terri Guillemets


If reincarnation is a thing, then I'm pretty sure I'm coming back as a cup of coffee. ~Keith Wynn





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published 2001 Jun 9
revised 2021 Mar 12
last saved 2024 Apr 27
www.quotegarden.com/coffee.html