The Quote Garden

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 Est. 1998




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Quotations about
Coffee & Caffeine



This morning's forecast: 100% chance of coffee  ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, "Over the Teacups," 1890


Coffee much quickens the spirits and makes the heart lightsome. ~An old coffee-house handbill


The fact that I'm upright is credit to our french press. ~Elementary, "Pushing Buttons," 2018, written by Jeffrey Paul King  [S6, E3, Sherlock Holmes]


Over second and third cups flow matters of high finance, high state, common gossip and low comedy. [Coffee] is a social binder, a warmer of tongues, a soberer of minds, a stimulant of wit, a foiler of sleep if you want it so. From roadside mugs to the classic demi-tasse, it is the perfect democrat. ~The New York Times, 1949, as quoted in Mark Pendergrast, Uncommon Grounds, 2010


What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup. ~Henry Rollins, 1989


I always get too high and fidgety with two cups. ~Stephen Dixon, "Question," 1978


A morning without coffee is like sleep. ~Author unknown


Owen's Law for Secretaries:  As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold. ~The Complete Murphy's Law: A Definitive Collection, Arthur Bloch, 1990


Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee. ~Author unknown


Conscience keeps more people awake than coffee. ~Author unknown


Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever. ~David Letterman


Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation. ~Author unknown


There's every sign that coffee will remain the country's leading beverage forever. ~Coffee Annual, 1952, as quoted in Mark Pendergrast, Uncommon Grounds, 2010


Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend. ~Author unknown


I want to hear the simmer
Of the old coffee pot;
I want to hear it hummin'
When it's gettin' good and hot;
I want to see the vapor rise,
Like incense in the room,
And float about a-fillin'
Every corner with perfume.
~John W. Fellows, "The Old Coffee Pot," in The People's Home Journal, July 1903


I bought a decaffeinated coffee table — you can't even see a difference. ~Author unknown


Decaf? No, it's dangerous to dilute my caffeine stream. ~Author unknown


Coffee has two virtues, it is wet and warm. ~Dutch Proverb  [Quoted in P.J. Harrebomée, Spreekwoordenboek der Nederlandsche taal, c.1853, and in English: Henry G. Bohn, A Polyglot of Foreign Proverbs comprising French, Italian, German, Dutch, Spanish, Portuguese, and Danish, with English Translations, 1857. —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]


Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change, and wine to accept the things that I can't. ~Internet meme, c.2013


Tom Hackett:  This is my personal stash of Yorkshire Gold. Feel free to help yourself, please. But, if you do take the last tea bag, could you not put the box back empty?
Damien Asante:  I drink coffee, man. This is America.
~The InBetween, "Pilot" [S1, E1, 2019], written by Moira Kirland


At this point in my life, I am more coffee than man. ~Keith Wynn, tweet


I went to the Coffee Club and heard very good discourse... ~Samuel Pepys, diary, 1660 January 17th


I love the smell of roses
Along about in June;
And I'd hang around and listen
To almost any tune;
But the fragrance and the music
That nothin' else has got
Are the odor and the simmer
Of the old coffee pot.
~John W. Fellows, "The Old Coffee Pot," in The People's Home Journal, July 1903


Caffeine isn't a drug, it's a vitamin! ~Author unknown


It's 6:55 am and I'm on my third cup of coffee. By noon, I'll be able to solve advanced problems in quantum physics. ~Keith Wynn, tweet


Forever: Time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning. ~Author unknown


Serious question: back in the days before coffee, did people just basically die? ~Keith Wynn, tweet


Don't drink coffee in the morning. It will keep you awake until noon. ~Author unknown


Coffee (which makes the politician wise,
And see thro' all things with his half-shut eyes)...
~Alexander Pope, "The Rape of the Lock," 1711–1712 ["A sarcastic allusion to the pretentious talk of the would-be politicians who frequented coffee-houses. These oracles were a standing topic of ridicule." ~Whitwell Elwin –tg]


Be a coffee-drinking individual — espresso yourself! ~Author unknown


Replace therefore your morning-coffee by a hearty breakfast.... If you refuse doing so, then have it your own way; but in that case do not afterwards complain of your wretchedness and misery, and if the frame of your body should give way, then you may be sure that you yourself contributed most powerfully towards its downfall... those who are so fond of coffee that the very word coffee acts on them like a charm... ~Sebastian Kneipp, Thus Shalt Thou Live: Hints and Advice for the Healthy and the Sick on a Simple and Rational Mode of Life and a Natural Method of Cure, 1889, translated from the 19th German edition


I make serious coffee — so strong it wakes up the neighbors. ~Author unknown


You are only as strong as the coffee you drink. ~Keith Wynn, tweet


In America you can buy bucket-sized cups of coffee in any flavor you like other than coffee-flavor. ~Author unknown


A yawn is a silent scream for coffee. ~Author unknown


Coffee in styrofoam is against my religion. ~Betsy Cañas Garmon, @wildthyme, tweet, 2009, betsygarmon.com  [Amen, Sister! —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]


Is “enthusiastically” an appropriate answer when someone asks me how I take my coffee? ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


All's fair in love and war — and coffee. ~South Park, "Gnomes," 1998, written by Brady, Parker, Stone, Goodman, & Pimental  [S2, E17, Mr Tweek —tg]


Coffee is a hug in a mug. ~Author unknown


I believe in living life one coffee cup at a time. ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


I can't stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words-putting-into-sentence doing. ~Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino, Gilmore Girls, "Luke Can See Her Face," season 4, episode 20, original airdate 2004 May 4th, spoken by the character Lorelai Gilmore


I never realized how much of a stimulant coffee is until last week, when a friend of mine who drank fifteen cups of coffee a day dropped dead. And three days later he was still mingling at the funeral!... As they were lowering him into the ground, the minister said, "Does anyone have any last words?" And from the coffin came, "Heavy on the sugar!" ~Robert Orben, 2100 Laughs For All Occasions, 1983


Lists "coffee" as family member when filling out forms. ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


He said, "I'm ordering coffee with the meal.
Hot black coffee in a great big cup,
Fuming, steaming, filled right up.
I don't want coffee iced in a glass,
And I don't want a miserable demi-tasse,
But what I'll have, come woe, come weal,
Is coffee with, coffee with, coffee with the meal."
~Ogden Nash (1902–1971), "Coffee with the Meal"


As a rule, I do not approve of messing around with coffee. No sugar, no milk, no chocolate, hazelnuts, cinnamon, no nothing.... Just drink it black, the way God does. ~Clay Thompson, “I put egg shells in my coffee,” The Arizona Republic, August 2014


There's nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee. ~Rian Aditia


I like her bitter as I can git 'er,
along with a piece of pie.
~Jim Hovendick


Coffee, coffee, coffee
coffee, coffee.
Everyone shut up.
Coffee!
~Internet meme: "A poem for mornings," c.2015


Man does not live by coffee alone. Have a danish. ~Author unknown


Sometimes when I over-indulge in coffee, it is as if I hear with other organs besides those of hearing. I startle easily, before the actual noise happens. ~Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742–1799), "The Character of a Person of my Acquaintance"  [Lichtenberg's unfinished "autopsychography" (Norman Alliston, 1908). A little altered. —tεᖇᖇ¡·g]


Coffee, n.  break fluid. ~Author unknown


An American will go to hell for a bag of coffee. ~American proverb


Dear people who like decaf: With all due respect, why? ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


This coffee tastes like mud!
Well, it was ground this morning.
~Old Vaudeville joke


Thank you, dear coffee, for making Mondays feel a little less...Monday. ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


C:\COFFEE.POT missing
(A)bort (R)etry (S)leep?
~Author unknown


If it ain't caffeinated, it ain't coffee! ~Author unknown


Coffee and tobacco are complete repose. ~Turkish proverb


When the Starbucks line is out the door, but you refuse to turn around because you're not a quitter. ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


For adrenalin junkies, coffee's aphrodisiac power is immediately evident. The drink is essentially the world's most socially acceptable stimulant. ~"Coffee — The Aphrodisiac Buzz of Caffeine," EatSomethingSexy.com


In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running. ~Jeff Bezos


Herbal tea tastes so much better when it's coffee. ~Author unknown


Two wrongs do not make a right, but two cups of coffee sure as hell do! ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


Coffee in England is just toasted milk. ~Christopher Fry, 1962


Has anyone else noticed that coffee is a really good listener? ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another coffee. ~Author unknown


Coffee is not my cup of tea. ~Author unknown


Me before coffee: today is really going to be a struggle. Me after coffee: I'm the king of the world!!! ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the House of Mochas forever.
~Author unknown


If you want to improve your understanding, drink coffee. Sir James Mackintosh used to say, he believed the difference between one man and another was produced by the quantity of coffee he drank. ~Sydney Smith, quoted in A Memoir of the Reverend Sydney Smith: Volume I by his daughter Lady Saba Holland with A Selection From His Letters edited by Mrs. Austin, 1855


Hot coffee and cold winter mornings are two of the best soul mates who ever did find each other. ~Terri Guillemets, "Soul warmth," 2010


I'm on coffee #5 and I suddenly want to become a motivational speaker. ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


A cup of coffee, — real coffee, — home-browned, home-ground, home-made, that comes to you dark as a hazel-eye, but changes to a golden bronze as you temper it with cream that never cheated, but was real cream from its birth, thick, tenderly yellow, perfectly sweet, neither lumpy nor frothing on the Java: such a cup of coffee is a match for twenty blue devils, and will exorcise them all. Involuntarily one draws in his breath by the nostrils. The fragrant savor fills his senses with pleasure; for no coffee can be good in the mouth that does not first send a sweet offering of odor to the nostrils. ~Henry Ward Beecher, "Haying"


When one asks for cream one should receive either cream or the information that the establishment in question favors instead a combination of vegetable oil and cancer-causing initials. ~Fran Lebowitz


Chocolate, men, coffee — some things are better rich. ~Author unknown


I like my coffee like my women — hot, strong, steamy. ~Author unknown


But what is coffee, but a noxious berry,
Born to keep used-up Londoners awake?
~Charles Stuart Calverley, "Beer," Verses and Translations, 1862


Does fear of accidentally taking a sip of decaf count as a phobia? ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2019


Water is the most essential element of life, because without it you can't make coffee. ~Author unknown


I'm a coffee is half-full kind of girl. ~Terri Guillemets, "Down–mid–uptown," 1994


"What kind of icing do you fellows want?"...
"Moffee!" said Elizabeth...
"You mean coffee mocha?"
"Yup. Moffee cocoa."
~Frances Frost, Uncle Snowball, 1940


I think the main ingredient in decaf coffee is disappointment. ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


Retirement is one great big giant coffee break. ~Author unknown


My blood type is Folgers. ~Internet meme from before the internet


COFFEE. — This is probably the favorite stimulant of most Americans... Coffee has no actual food value, except for a small quantity of sugar and protein which may be dissolved form it. It should be regarded as a stimulant, therefore, not as a true food. ~Everybody's Cook Book, 1924


I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning and I love the sound of no one talking to me while I drink it. ~Internet meme


All the coffee in Columbia won't make me a morning person. ~Author unknown


I just realized I'm not a morning person — I'm a coffee person. ~Author unknown


My morning cutoff for coffee is when my hands turn earthquake and my eyes go double-exposure. ~Terri Guillemets, "Coffee at the office is only 25¢!," 2006


Do I like my coffee black? There are other colors? ~Author unknown


There's no logical reason to put pumpkin in a cup of coffee. ~Cindy Ott


Coffee, and I'm a warrior
Tea, a philosopher
Wine, a lover
Water, a napper
~Terri Guillemets


Don't laugh at the coffee. Some day you, too, may be old and weak. ~Author unknown


It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles. ~Dave Barry, "Decaf Poopacino," Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down!, 2000


I looove plenty of coffee
the energy, my heart racing
thinking foolishly optimistic
coffee BUZZ coffee coffee
— awake until 3 A.M.!
~Terri Guillemets, "Coffee fool," 2019, blackout poetry created from T. Greenwood, The Golden Hour, 2017, pages 58–59


And you know very well that coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical. ~Jonathan Swift


I'd stop drinking coffee, but I'm no quitter. ~Author unknown


Coffee makes me invincible. But when the cup is empty, I return to mere mortal. ~Terri Guillemets, "Morning armor," 2009


I must get up. My coffee needs me. ~Author unknown


The three associated beverages — cocoa, tea, and coffee — are known to the French as aromatic drinks. Each of these has its characteristic aroma. The fragrance and flavor are so marked that they cannot be imitated by any artificial product, although numerous attempts have been made in regard to all three. ~Walter Baker & Co., Ltd., Chocolate and Cocoa Recipes, 1916


Nothing is sad on a beautiful morning save to look down and realize you just had the last sip of coffee and the mug sits indifferently empty. ~Terri Guillemets


I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume. ~John van Druten, 1963


Coffee makes grisly mornings bearable. ~Terri Guillemets


They now say that coffee can cause heart attacks. Only if the machine runs out! ~Robert Orben, 2100 Laughs For All Occasions, 1983


Coffee makes dreams come true. ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017


Too much coffee! — the caffeine starts muttering, my mind goes stumbling, my jitters go jiggy. ~Terri Guillemets


Given enough coffee, I could rule the world! ~Author unknown


If reincarnation is a thing, then I'm pretty sure I'm coming back as a cup of coffee. ~Keith Wynn, tweet, 2017





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published 2001 Jun 9
revised 2021 Mar 12
last saved 2024 Jan 17
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