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Quotations from The Simpsons
by Matt Groening


How is education supposed to make me feel smarter?  Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.  Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


Lisa:  "Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?"
Homer:  "Well, I think the veal died of loneliness."
~The Simpsons by Matt Groening


[R]omance is dead.  It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Lisa Simpson


Solitude never hurt anyone.  Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Lisa


You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Marge Simpson


Weaseling out of things is important to learn.  It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


You don't like your job, you don't strike.  You go in every day and do it really half-assed.  That's the American way.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


All normal people love meat.  If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say, "Yo Goober!  Where's the meat?"  I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa.  You don't win friends with salad.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


I'm not a bad guy!  I work hard, and I love my kids.  So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


The problem in the world today is communication.  Too much communication.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


Television!  Teacher, mother, secret lover.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


He only salutes the flag with one finger.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, about Bart Simpson


Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by the character Homer Simpson


Your cable television is experiencing difficulties.  Please do not panic.  Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones.  Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.  ~The Simpsons by Matt Groening, spoken by television announcer



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Last modified 2010 Sep 09 Thu 20:33 PDT


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